NewsJack: The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party

Readers of NewsJack will know that aside from being a bottomless goldmine for the budding political satirist, American politics seems to inhabit a completely different political universe form us over here in Merry Old Ingerland. The Republicans in particular appear to be living in a different world at the moment, with their Primary voters booting out the party’s experienced standard-bearers left, right and centre in favour of a veritable Wonderland-esque cast of freaks.

At the head of the table is of nutters is, inevitably, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin.

Growing tired of having to, you know, do the job to which she was elected, the Bimbo-in-Chief stepped down from the Governorship last year after less than three years in charge and now spends her time travelling round the country dispensing blessings like some sort of dodgy televangelist. An endorsement from Palin, no matter how hammy or badly grammaticial (her speeches are packed to the gills with ‘refudiations’ of her political opponents), appears to virtually guarantee Primary victory, no matter how chequered your history or personal life. And nobody has a more chequered past than Palin-approved Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. For starters, this is a woman who objects to the phrase AIDS ‘victims’ because “they bring it on themselves”, and believes that homosexuality can be ‘cured’.

Earlier in life as a teenager, she apparantly dabbled in witchcraft and unlike most American teens on their first date, her suitor didn’t feel her up in the back of a Chevvy but took her for “a midnight picnic on a Satanic altar”. Well, if she’s got nothing else to offer for Delaware’s voting public, at least she can whack out her cauldron and whip up that cure for homosexuality she’s so keen on. Perhaps this will help her win votes in place of those she will inevitably lose for her stance on masturbation. She believes in your freedom to blow the shit out of anything with a sawn-off, but the freedom to touch your own genitals? No chance.

And another thing: this is a woman who believes that “American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.” Well, Chrissy love, if there’s so many spare brains going around, maybe you can ask for one?

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