NewsJack: Government Wife Swap

Welcome to NewsJack, a thinly-disguised attempt to produce a student version of Charlie Brooker; your place for unabashed partisanship, poorly-founded assertions and jokes about cocks. Talking of cocks, we did originally plan to call it NewsWank, but some of our writers thought it too childish. We also came up with AngstLad: Diary of an angry young man, but that sounded too much like an upmarket, under-age gay porn film (Dir. Roman Polanski), so we came up with the suitably vague but still a little bit wanking-related NewsJack.

Over the water Obama, predictably, is starting to flounder. Commentators were surprised that the Democrats got trounced in the special election to replace Ted Kennedy, but they shouldn’t have. Democratic candidate Martha Coakley was so pathetically wooden that Republican Scott Brown could have publicly sodomised a puppy in the middle of Boston and he probably still would have won. The loss of the party’s 60th vote in the Senate means that Obama’s plan to extend healthcare to the poorest of Americans is likely to be filibustered into history by Republicans. A tragedy, but a self-inflicted one; those most vehemently opposing the plan are the people it is designed to help. If half the Deep South ends up walking around with tumours coming out of their chests, then its their own sodding fault.

Obama’s relationship with America is like those random friendships you have in Freshers’ Week that never get beyond the first week of lectures. You meet up initially, get off your face together and are best pals in the world for a few days, and then when the bedlam of the start of uni dies down, you realise you have nothing in common and spend the rest of your four years having to smile awkardly when you bump into them in Tesco. The bottom line is that Obama is too progressive for the people that elected him; he is way ahead of the majority of the country which is still stuck in 1787, when any form of government, no matter how good its intentions, is inherently suspicious. And you really, really need a gun so the King of England doesn’t come over to push you around.

The same is happening here; the UK is essentially a progressive country, but we are about to elect a group of poor-people-hating, gay-bashing shits who would be much more suited to governing the inhabitants  of Louisiana than those of Lincolnshire.

Perhaps we could arrange for some sort of governmental version of Wife Swap, where we send Cameron and his cronies to Washington and get Obama into No. 10? Let’s hope so.


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